Hats - An Ugly History
Whatever happened to the days of dignified hats, worn by socialites and important politicians? The history of hats is a long one, started in a well-intentioned manner. At the onset, hats were graceful and lovely.
However, as civilization progressed, there were a group of people who felt the need to take a good thing and turn it ugly. Somewhere around the 1980s, we forgot about why hats were traditionally worn, and instead began donning them as some sort of bizarre and ill conceived fashion statement. From the trucker hat craze of the new millennium to the bad cowboy hat trend of the nineties, hats have somehow become less of a fashion expression and more of a fashion disaster.
To help you acquaint yourself with what to do – and, of course, what not to do – when it comes to head wear, here are the top five ugliest hats in history. And, obviously, the ugly hat offenders who were shameless enough to wear them blatantly.
5. Jamaican Dreadlock Hats
The Offender: Frat Boys
The Jamaican trend of wearing long, unique dreadlocks is a time honored fashion statement among Caribbean people. Bob Marley made this look iconic. When he boasted dreadlocks, they were a thing to behold, and a great expression of his pride of his ethnicity.
Unfortunately, somehow, somewhere, someone decided to invent Jamaican Rasta Dreadlock Hats. As in, hats that look like long black dreadlocks underneath a multi-colored Caribbean print beanie. Whoever invented this hat needs to be dropped off in the most remote island location forever and forbidden from returning to the mainland.
4. Furry "Pimp" Hats
The Offender: Females and Suburbanites A “pimp” is not a stylish rapper who enjoys the adoration of millions of women. Instead, a true pimp is one who sells and abuses women. Therefore, why would women, especially ones with self-respect, actually condone a pimp hat that at its core is sexist and disrespectful to their own gender? Why don’t we ask Pamela Anderson why she committed such a faux pas?
In the year 2000, as a statement regarding her adversity of fur, Pamela wore a large synthetic fur animal print "pimp" hat. This was a large, novelty sized hat that was a hot pink monstrosity. Pamela, a beautiful girl like you should be wearing classy hats – fedoras, pill box hats, straw hats, and bucket hats. However, anything fuzzy, larger than a dictionary, and supportive of real pimps needs to be instantly destroyed. Immediately.
3.
Trucker Hats
The Offender: Your college dropout ex-boyfriend. Ashton Kutcher. Anyone who values their "bromance" above their marriage. Insecure female starlets.
Trucker hats should be worn by truckers, hence the name. If a hat were called a "Debt Collector Hat," would you wear it if you were not, in fact, a debt collector?
Why celebrities feel the need to don trucker hats still remains a giant mystery. We are especially talking to you, Ashton Kutcher, the man who is still at the center of a heated debate with Justin Timberlake about who started the “Trucker Hat Craze of 2003.”
Regardless of who spawned the trucker hat craze, frat boys, insecure female starlets, and fashion “Von Dutch” victims perpetuated this ugly hat trend. We are quite thankful that these hats are now so mid-2000s.
2. "Don't Look at Me!" Hats
The Offender: Stunning rich and famous women who pretend to want to hide from the public, yet are parading down “Paparazzi Corridor.”
This new phenomenon of hats – which often come in the form of hat fashions such as fedoras, newsboy caps, and baseball hats – are horribly abused by celebrities. Young and famous starlets pull them heavily over their forehead in a fake attempt to conceal their identity from nearby photographers. Yet, they are mysteriously wearing a barely there ensemble, strutting down Los Angeles’ “Paparazzi Corridor.” While these hats are cute, they way they are abused is simply ugly. We know that you are attempting to use these hats in a bizarre ploy to garner even more attention.
1. Straw Cowboy Hats
The Offender: Jimmy Buffet fans. Bret Michaels. Mickey Rourke.
Any man who thinks that it is unfair that only women get to wear multiple necklaces and eyeliner.
The straw cowboy hats take the “ugliest” award. By their natural design, cowboy hats are not ugly, but are rather charming and functional.
However, these poor cowboy hats have been overly abused by aging rock stars who badly need new fashion stylists. Bret and Mickey, we understand that you are bald. But we promise we will love you more if you just stop wearing straw hats to the Grammy Awards. |
